by sam-am-i on 7/3/2006
favorite track: 5
 
After listening to the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest soundtrack I have experienced perhaps this year's biggest letdown. I am shocked, horrified.... saddened.... disgusted; all of the above, but it's true. Hans Zimmer's soundtrack to one of the year's most-anticipated films (and soundtracks) is WITHOUT-a-doubt the biggest film music letdown of the year. Zim offers 48 minutes on eleven tracks and Tiesto remixed the famous "He's a Pirate" cue for the twelfth track (which runs seven minutes long).

(Ah!!! Zimmer!! How could you do this to us?!?)

Anyways, here's my review of the.... mess.

If you were expecting to read a bunch of over-the-top compliments of the German composer's latest, greatest musical masterpiece, read THIS review instead. Otherwise, if you want to be tortured and maligned by cruel and harsh ravings, read on.....

For starters, we were expecting this latest installment to the musical Pirates of the Caribbean to be more genuine. Whereas the last soundtrack was criticized for its over-the-top usage of synths and canned percussion pieces, people were expecting Hans Zimmer's refined ear to come up with a TRULY swashbuckling work.

At the very least, Hans Zimmer's name on a project like this equals some pretty awesome action music. For such cuts, the main piece was supposed to be "The Kraken" (which is the mysterious, octopussy sea monster we've been wowed by in the trailers). Not only is this track completely polluted by synthesizers, they are every-bit as "greasy" and unoriginal as Zimmer playfully warned us (I'm beginning to realize his comments weren't all tongue in cheek). The only decent "fight" music to be found here is in the 6 1/2 minute "Wheel of Fortune," but I hesitate to give even this cue so 'great' a compliment. It's a ridiculous collision of sound, really, smattered with a couple ideas that show some promise, but are quickly driven into the sand by crazed synths. Zimmer resurrects a couple of the original Pirates motifs we've come to know and love, but they far from rescue the cue.

"You Look Good Jack" is fairly intense, once you slog through the first (almost noiseless) 3 minutes and twenty seconds. The next minute gets up a pretty rousing bit of percussion -- oh, and there are some nasty electric guitars thrown in, too.... just for kicks, apparently (fortunately they leave after only a few flourishes). Even so, they sound better than the last 30 seconds... which... don't sound like anything at all.

"Hello Beastie" sounds a bit like "Beneath Alrischa" from The Da Vinci Code score, but it never really rises up into anything like the sweeping, chorale arrangements of Code's "Chevaliers de Sangreal" (which is nothing short of gorgeous!). It does offer a sweet rendition of another classic Pirates motif (a bit from the "Will and Elizabeth" cue) and then functions like a series of rises and valleys, as if the cue is trying desperately to get somewhere. Now... I don't know what's happening on the screen, but to the ear, this sounds like a lot of useless SOUND. And darned minutes of it! It ends out the last minute with a cross between Da Vinci Code and Into the Fog, complete with a familiar motif at the very end. Despite the final hurrah! however, it is an awful track to end a despicable soundtrack!

Outside of the dismal action cues, I was also annoyed with the themes presented here. I was excited at the prospects of a theme for Jack Sparrow and his nemesis Davy Jones. Unfortunately, Jack's theme is far less than befitting of his eccentric, conniving, yet desperately-loveable character! Opening the soundtrack, it is a series of simple brass motifs: a 'doo-dum' (2 note) followed by a de-doo-dum' (3 note), with violin overlays. For pretty much the first two minutes, that's all there is -- with little variation. Familiar sounds from "Will and Elizabeth" pepper the second-half of the cue (especially with<