MR. KINSINGER: Unbelievable.

MR. GOLDBERG: Meshugah! Why does he do such a thing?

MR. KINSINGER: Says it's good exercise.

MR. GOLDBERG: At his age?

MR. KINSINGER: Says he doesn’t bend down, just pushes his arms without lifting much.

MR. GOLDBERG: "Doesn’t bend down." That's what they’ll write on his gravestone, he didn't bend down, good for him, the schmuck!

(Suddenly a voice is heard over the loudspeaker--

LKPK: Gentlemen, it is now time for your evening medication. Medication time. Gentlemen, medication time.

(A click, and "Charmaine"--the Mantovani version--softly issues forth. The 2 curmudgeons shrug and turn back into the room, a room filled with other Old Film Music Folk. Jeron, clearly not an oldster, is passing around cups of water and pills off a tray; there's grumbling a plenty; finally Jeron reaches a Lonely Old Guy sitting against his cane, dozing)

JERON: Mr. Cleveland? Mr. Cleveland?
(the Lonely Old Guy snaps to attention)

MR. CLEVELAND: "Why're you sittin' around mopin', sitting around hopin', just listen to me..."

JERON: There, there, Mr. Cleveland, that's right, swallow...now drink. That's right. Good!

(Mr. Cleveland rattles his cane, continues the rhyme but stops suddenly near the end, frowns and then shrugs when he realizes he doesn't know the last phrase; he then sits down and promptly dozes off)

MR. GOLDBERG: Such a terrible thing.

LKPK: Every time one of our people goes senile a part of me just gets numb inside.

MR GOLDBERG: I was talking about not knowing the words to a perfectly good piece of film music, you blathering bag of nuts and bolts! And since when can you feel anything?

LKPK: I have been taking lessons.

ANDRE: Taking lessons? Jeron!

JERON: I am preparing to insert an emotion chip to make LK seem a bit more...well, human.

MR. GOLDBERG: Wonderful. Now I will have every reason more to hate the little pill-pushing tin man.

MR. KINSINGER: Now Lou, be fair to LKPK. None of us, including you, could help Mr. Cleveland find the solution to the Scatman's riddle, it was too much to handle on his own 'til finally one day he just snapped. There but for the grace of the Almighty go us all--

ANDRE: Can the holier-than-thou preaching, Kinsinger, and stay on-topic!

MR. KINSINGER (smiles at O Gigante Velho, turns back to Mr. Goldberg): Cheer up, old friend. One day these (he's holding up a pill) won't do what they are supposed to do and--

MR. GOLDBERG: Enough already! Maybe my love for this place and my desire to stay is misguided. You make me want to join Meshugah outside if you keep talking such nonsense.

ANDRE: Lou's right. That was one of Goldsmith's best.

SEN. HATFIELD: Best, why it was a classic, Ah say a classic! Ain't Ah right, boy? BOY?! (He nudges a clearly uncomfortable H Rocco)

H ROCCO: Yeah, yeah, yeah, leave me alone will ya!

SEN. HATFIELD: What's that you writin', Ah say what's that you writin' now?

H ROCCO: If you must know I'm trying to finish my review of the concert.

CONG. RUGER: Oh, the one on the wireless last night. Young Goldsmith did a fine job.

MR. GOLDBERG: Aaaaah, but he can't hold a candle to his pappy.

ANDRE: (expletive deleted) right!

H ROCCO: No, not that Goldsmith. And not that concert.

SEN. HATFIELD (feigning a heart attack): Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, Ah do declare he’s talking about Detroit, ain’t Ah right, boy?!

H ROCCO: Yeah, yeah.

MR. KINSINGER: Shall I alert the press?

H ROCCO: Et tu, Kinsinger?

TIMMER (who speaks in a thick Scottish brogue): Come on, your H'(oward)Ness, you know I can’t understand a word of your lousy French!

(Mr. Kinsinger and Cong. Ruger exchange stunned looks, then burst out laughing at the mutual recognition)

TIMMER: Aye, what's so amusing?

SEN. HATFIELD: What's so funny, Ah say funny? Ev'rythin''s funny 'bout a show at the turn of the century and only now this bum's writin' 'bout it. Not bad, Rocco, not bad, 's been only what, 40, 50 years? And when can we expect Joel's review, the summer of '82, huh, huh, huh!?

H ROCCO (after saluting the Senator in the ancient Italian style, turns to the rest): And who wants the finger to go with it, huh, huh, HUH!

SEN. HATFIELD (displaying an open hand): You got an extra finger?

(Everybody laughs at this last retort, clearly giving Sen. Hatfield the upper hand in every way imaginable, which only makes his antagonist madder; before long, canes are raised in a duel and the laughter escalates, awakening Mr. Cleveland and launching him into another chorus of the rhyme; finally Jeron dashes forward to stop the fighting)

JERON: All right, simmer down, simmer down. Here, Constable Joe dropped off a few of Ma Hue's lemon meringue pies this afternoon. Everyone have a piece of pie.

CONG. RUGER: Good thinking, Jeron. Bravo.

(Mr. Cleveland sits down and dozes off again)

ANCIENT MARIAN (whispering to H Rocco): Ach du lieber, vhatevah you do don't bring up za var!

(H Rocco frowns, goes back to writing)

CONG. RUGER: Tell me, Jeron, out of curiosity; from where does Constable Joe get these pies?

JERON: I don’t know, Congressman. He just passes them over. I never ask.

CONG. RUGER: I just think it's wonderful that the old girl still has it in her, gracing us all with her sweet little pearls.

MR. KINSINGER: And always at just the right moment.
(The three nod in agreement; Jeron heads over and ministers to Mr. Cleveland)

MR. GOLDBERG: Who's up for a flick, huh? Hey Rocketeer, what's on the CinemaPrompter tonight?

LKPK (stands erect after pressing one of his buttons): "Message from the Big Giant Screen—tonight we present a choice of two oldies; from 1986, "Lucas", 'a thoroughly winning story of a precocious 14 year-old--'"

(LKPK is interrupted by a cranky voice emerging from the back)

JERIATRIC JJH (adjusting his Beltone 2020): Huh, what's that?

TIMMER (shouting): He said LUCAS!

JJH: What...Lucas? He said Lucas?

ALL: Yes, Lucas!

JJH: I hear ya, I hear ya! Congressman, I hereby exercise my right to veto. Lucas, indeed!

CONG. RUGER: So noted. "Lucas" is out.

MR. GOLDBERG: Reinstate "Lucas", stop closing flicks!

CONG. RUGER: Perspective, Mr. Goldberg, please get perspective. This is a rest home, not Kent State. JJH’s request to veto "Lucas" is a proper exercise under film music law. The veto stands.

JJH (sneering at Mr. Goldberg): Hee-hee-heeeee, I like a man that has rules and enforces them vigorously, not some lily-livered spineless jellyfish that has rules, and doesn’t.
(Mr. Goldberg shrugs this last remark off, then)

MR. GOLDBERG: Alright already! Metallic Mensch, what else?

LKPK: "...from 1955, 'Pete Kelly's Blues', directed by and starring--"

ANDRE: Please, must you mention that name! Congressman!

CONG. RUGER: So noted. Gentlemen, there will be no movies tonight.

(Protests and grumbling goesround)

JJH: Ah, what a bunch of piddlers and twiddlers. Can't you skin flints deal with a few mean-spirited vetoes?!

(This last remark was directed at Mr. Goldberg in a mocking sarcastic manner. Mr. Goldberg scowls)

TIMMER: Aye. These folks would depress a hyena.

{Mr. Kinsinger and Cong. Ruger again exchange grins, barely stifling giggles;
Jeron walks over and comforts a dejected (?) LKPK}

JERON: There, there, LK. This is a unique place. Let's don't throw it all to hell just because a few people can't seem to get along.

(Suddenly there's a commotion from the writing table)

H ROCCO: If I've told you once I've told you a million times, I lost the notes in the war! It's a miracle I've made it THIS FAR. Leave me alone!

SEN. HATFIELD: Oh, so it was the war, was it? Now listen to me, Ah say listen--look at me when Ah’m talking to you, son--a good writer never loses his notes no matter the sitchyation. Why, never once did Ah lose a speech for the entire duration--

H ROCCO: And why do you think JJH can hardly hear anymore?!

SEN. HATFIELD: WRITE!

ANCIENT MARIAN: How many times must I tell you, don't bring up za var!

SEN. HATFIELD & H ROCCO: Ah, shaddup!

ANCIENT MARIAN: Schweinehunds!

MR. GOLDBERG: Don't you start in with your fancy Kraut you Kraut!

ANCIENT MARIAN: I'm Austrian, not German!

MR. GOLDBERG: You don't fool me. And I bet you voted for that, that jackbooted duck-marching sympathizing--

ANCIENT MARIAN: I was one of the 73% of the Austrian population who didn’t vote for--

MR. GOLDBERG: Sez you!

JERON (interjecting): Gentlemen, Gentlemen! It really hurts me to see you carry on like this. Now I'm going upstairs. If you need anything, LKPK will see to it. Have some respect for each other, please!

(The room falls silent as Jeron makes his way upstairs and disappears around a corner; off in the distance the sound of gruff grinding along with the occasional lilt of wind chimes abruptly stops; Mr. Kinsinger and Cong. Ruger head over to the window and peer outward; suddenly Mr. Cleveland arises and goes into a chorus of "Why're you sittin' around mopin', sittin' around hopin', just listen to me..." and taps his cane as the scene fades and the lights come down…)

END OF PART 1

MORE!

(Aside. Just to let you yahoos know that Ma Hue doesn’t really
like to cook and can participate in more than pie baking. She shoots
pool, listens to music, and can participate in literate conversation.)

To the haunting melodies of Franz Waxman’s Sunset Boulevard,
“I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE UP, MR. KNIGHT.”

This play of yours can no longer be called "Scoreville"!

It MUST be named "SUNSET HUEVARD"!

Mr. Knight, just pen me an Oscar winning role, and I'll start writing an acceptance speech right now.

hoots mon th'noo