"You see," DePalma begins, "I used to be on the planet Earth a long time ago. After the compounded effects of Snake Eyes and Mission to Mars, a shadey, nototrious group known only as 'The Critics' banished me from the planet, sending me into the oblivion of space. For years I have went from planet to planet, I've even been to a planet where there's a bloody war over whether Morricone's score to Mission to Mars was any good."

"But how did the movie and score get there?" Spielberg asked.
"None of your business! Now, about the suitcase. I will channel the spirit of Alfred Hitchcock, correctly this time, to find out the contents."
DePalma's eyes go back and he hums. Then, with a ring of an eggtimer, DePalma's eyes slide back and he announces:

"The body of a Mr. MacGuffen is in there, as well as..."

It is the VOICE of GOD!

IT IS THE VOICE OF PETERK!!!

"I AM the Controlling Legal Authority Of This Message Board!"

Contained within the briefcase were none other than...

Onions!

"Good sausage and eggs," cried Pierce Brosnan, "I've never seen anything like this! Why these onions must be..."

Meanwhile, something strange was brewing on the Newman Scoring Stage at Fox as John Williams and Jerry Goldsmith were apparently double-booked and having a row over who was going to have the orchestra.

Suddenly, Ford Thaxton charged into the room....

[Message edited by Ron Pulliam on 11-21-2000]

Moving the right levers, he maneuvered the giant bucket of Hot Chocolate over the head of the STAY-PUFF Marshmallow man and said,
"Take this Ford for you and all you producers who won't put my stuff out there for my public to listen to!"

And he poured the Hot Chocolate over the marshmallow, which began to melt.

Williams screamed, "Jerry! It's changing shape!"

Jerry quickly turned, his ponytail flicking the concertmaster in the eye, causing him to miss the spectacle of Thaxton morphing into the spitting image of the late, great Alex North.

Kneel before me!"

Horrified at losing his hair, Jerry starts babbling incoherently.

Connery then called Mel Gibson; together they raised a band of Scottish (or Scotch-drinking) warriors to attack the fiend that desecrated the holy visage.

Meanwhile, back at the Newman Scoring Stage, the rogue special effect was weakening a bit and Thaxton was having trouble holding his hot-liquid-chocolate morphs....

SHE EXPLODES!

At his home, Jerry Goldsmith feels a slight tremor. "Ah! Mrs. Thaxton has exploded again. I wish that woman would control her appetite. And now it's time for me to...

Connery, however, was standing with Jerry G. and the two were having a quiet chuckle over Jerry's imitation of Horner's affected accent.

HORNER IS VAPORIZED!

As the (very small) cloud of smoke dissipates, Connery, Gibson and Goldsmith peer at the floor. All that remains is a (very small) heap of dust, topped by a pair of wire-rim spectacles, three quarters, two dimes and one nickel (parking meter coins).

Connery looks at Goldsmith, and says...

Sean and Jerry, feeling very pleased with themselves, now turn to John Williams, who is still monopolizing Jerry's scoring orchestra. With menacing looks in their eyes, Sean and Jerry...

But Jerry and Sean were not to be deterred and they rushed the podium where Williams suddenly directed the orchestra to play the full crescendo bars of the opening to "Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind."

With one tap on the Blaster Beam, Jerry played the note from the beginning of the track where the Enterprise is pulled unto V'Ger (on the extended album, not the original one.) Williams recoiled in horror, then directed his flutes to let out one of the high pitched screeches from The Lost World:Jurassic Park. Goldsmith winced in pain, but recountered with the bass from the opening title of Total Recall. Back and forth this went on for several minutes, when Williams suddenly beckoned the Ewoks from the wings of the scoring stage to begin singing the original Ewok celebration song from Return of the Jedi. Jerry, not to be outdone, opened a door to allow Carol Heather and a large choir to enter. Carol began singing "The Piper Dreams" from The Omen, while the choir began signing (in discordance with Carol) "Ave Satani" from the same film.

AND, breaking through the rear doors, the second Horner (remember, there were two of them) leads in the Harlem Boys Choir singing his version of Carmina Burana.

The Horner Beast writhed and swore and vowed revenge.

However, Williams -- with his right hand -- conducted the orchestra in a rousing version of "Ding! Dong! The Witch is Dead" for which Poledouris' and Horner's combined choirs began singing the lyrics, substituting the word "Beast" for "Witch."

Surprisingly enough, the Beast Horner disappeared in a puff of smoke...and in its place was left the dissheveled form of a 40-something man with glasses who looked just like the old James Horner...the one who scored "Battle Beyond the Stars" and "Brainstorm."

"Ooh!" he exclaimed. "Who put out the lights?"

Goldsmith walked over and looked down on him with compassion.

"Get up, son..." Goldsmith muttered, extending his hand.

"Are you me dad?" Horner asked.

"No!" Goldsmith exclaimed. "I'm Jerry Goldsmith. I am a composer of film music."

"Really?" the younger man asked. "That's what I want to do when I'm grown up."

"You are a grown-up," Goldsmith told him.

"Then I shall spend my life trying to be just like you," the younger man exclaimed.

Goldsmith went into the orchestra, grabbed a tuba, then walked over and smashed Horner's head with it.

"It's a tough life, son!" Goldsmith said. "Not everyone can be a film composer."

"Gurgle....spit....sputter..," Horner spat out pitiably. "But I still want to be one..."

"Go talk to Johnny over there," Goldsmith said with a smile. "He knows all about film scoring. Be like HIM."

The End.